I have been thinking a lot today about writing, living the life I want to live, being who I want to be, and lots of other things-involving-words. I feel like I am just now starting to find my voice, to get comfortable in my own skin. I am tired of trying to be what people need me to be. I am ready to just be myself and, honestly, it is such a relief. It is exhausting trying to live up to expectations, especially when those expectations aren't really coming from someone else, but rather are things you shackle yourself with based on what you THINK they want.
Reading back at several of my previous posts, I realized that I sounded more like a version of myself rather than my whole self. It was like I had amplified parts of myself and excluded other parts. Yeah...I don't want to do that. I want to find out more about who I am, who I want to be, and project that out into the world. When I look at the past ten years, I realize that the times when things seemed to "fall into place" were those times when I was being the most authentic. But like when you are a kid and finally master a task, only to screw it up when you holler at your mom to have her come watch...I think that once I realized that the Universe had cast its gaze on me I have always immediately tripped over myself and face planted on the sidewalk.
That seems to be my relationship with the Universe...I am the nerdy little sister that talks too much, tries to hard to impress, worries too much about what people think, won't let anyone have a moment's peace, and runs away crying when the Universe lashes out demanding some breathing room.
Time to try something new...embrace my inner geek, laugh at inappropriate times, act and react with spontaneous abandon, kick off my shoes and feel the cold ground under my feet as the warm spring sun shines on my face. I have hidden away too long.